My Mom went to school with a special group of folks who have stayed close even through today. When one is hurting they all chip in, or listen, or give. When one is happy they all celebrate. Since merging their lives together in 1954 when they all started in a brand new school that would become the largest in the state by the time I graduated there. There have been times when these folks have overstepped their boundaries with me, loudly proclaiming what Mom ought to do about this or that going on in my life. I resent it. They don’t have the whole story. In a very real way I’ve learned over the decades that indeed we are not to judge because perhaps we will be judged ourselves. You can put up a boundary, however circumstances may break through and create a need for readjustment.
Some of you may know that I was a professional ice skater years ago. Several significant things happened on that journey. My first audition for the Ice Capades I used a lyrical which was unheard of at the time. It was ‘Double Dutch Bus’ and I did an interpretive “pretty” program which I can’t remember what the music was. I was given notes and told what to work on in order to audition again the next year. And so I worked. I had reserved ice time at 4:30am. I did strength training - I’m talking jogging up and down the stadium stairs with my skates on at least three sets up and down and usually twice a day. I learned a whole lot about nutrition and got down to 103 most of which was muscle so hard that my friends frequently bounced tennis balls off them.
The next year I excitedly showed up for my second audition. My Mom was with me as she had been on the first one. The audition started at 1:00am. My first routine was to ‘Fame’. I loved the beat of the music and what the lyrics stood for in that it buoyed up the deep desire to succeed and have others enjoy that success. All went well. I landed every jump, did every spin exactly correct, found my edges especially deep and integrated in ballet with what I would consider now stunning flexibility. Keep in mind that professional skates have metal shanks and the skates are so supportive that they had scarred my ankles. The current show skaters were there with management and cheered me on.
There is just nothing like it. Skating in the colosseum on show ice that was so rough one had to remember to not put their teeth together because it literally would cause your teeth to chatter. The hope that I would be good enough not realizing that this notion of being good enough would be a lifelong unfolding and that it is shared by most other biological entities. As the African proverb says “Somewhere in Africa a gazelle arises as the sun breaks the darkness as does a lion. The gazelle knows that it has to run faster than the fastest lion if s/he wants to see another day. The Lion knows that it has to outrun the gazelle or s/he will not eat and will not see the next day.”. We all instinctively know that we ought to give everything our best even though in modern life the results if we don’t aren’t near as catastrophic as what once was.
I was asked to do the last minute of my program again except this time to take my crowd bows in every direction and then skate off the ice through the curtains that would be open just as I approached. So I did. They didn’t tell me that the ice ended about three feet past the curtain. My reaction was quick and sure and I did stop before hitting the concrete. There was a boundary that they wanted to see my reaction to it. An explosion of clapping and support rocked me. Something we all could have more of don’t you think? I was then asked to return to center ice where I was met by ten skaters on the ice.
I was asked to do a pinwheel with them. Because I am 4’11” I had to be on the end - the area that must have the most control, speed, courage and talent. It was a thrill. After a few rotations around we broke and I was again congratulated by the folks there. There was a very real boundary of could the outside position be mastered by me or not.
After that I was asked to put on the Goofy shoes. When a cartoon charecter is in a show such as this the skater has to wear these huge things over their skates that make it look like it’s really the cartoon charecter skating. I was asked to do several full laps around the shoe ice which I did. I remember that I added on some edge work and a few small jumps and even a spin. How’s that for courage and faith? More cheering was my reward as I was allowed to remove the gigantic costume pieces. Another boundary had been met head on. Most skaters would have found their courage failing in that moment. Somehow I did not.
Then I was asked to do my ‘short’ program. I had prepared “For Your Eyes Only” and had even had a dance choreographer that worked with me on it. It was special beyond belief or my ability to truly explain to you. It required extensive control, strength, grace, edging and, yes I’ll admit it, talent. Just about 15 seconds into the routine laughter erupted. I didn’t know why. I kept going and poured out my soul into the routine just as I had planned. The laughing got more intense and louder. I was thinking that perhaps I was having a wardrobe malfunction and thought to myself that I just needed to stay focused and deliver the program that I had prepared. That is just what I did. In fact I think it was even better with the uncontrollable laughter. If my outfit had torn then I needed to show that I could handle it. There was an assumed boundary that if a skater lost part of her costume then she would stop the program. I did not.
I kept my ‘face’ on after I finished the program and was told that I could come off the ice and go to sit with my Mother who was about 20’ away from those in attendance. I kept my ‘face on’ and sat down honestly just about in tears and it didn’t help that my Mom was laughing so hard she was crying. Finally she got out the words where I could understand them “You didn’t see the cat did you?”. That’s when my show face fell and I said “what cat?”. She told me that a cat had been on the ice with me and was chasing my skates and pouncing very close to my skates and that it was hilarious.
I never saw the cat. How could I have expected that? The cat had boundaries I would assume. I wouldn’t have thought s/he would want to be on the cold ice. I guess in retrospect s/he wanted to see what was going on and then wanted to join in on the fun. All I could think of was that I would fail my audition yet again and I would have yet another year of even more strenuous training. But I kept my smile on because anything less would be breaking down the boundary of showmanship and fortitude.
I was called over to the skaters, directors and managers and was offered an immediate position. I was told when I would meet up with the company (there were three) and assured that the corporate office would be in touch. I had shattered the boundary of not being good enough, at least for then. I’ll never forget the day I got my contract package in the mail, started learning new routines with a choreographer hired by the show and started shopping for a trunk from which I would live while on the road. Because I was a young woman corporate required a regular health clearance, and an OB/GYN health clearance.
I’m a type one diabetic which I have always controlled well so the first clearance was obtained with ease. The OB/GYN was a different story. For years I had been on my period about 25 days out of every 30 days. The doctors that I had been to said that I should just suck it up and deal with it that it was completely normal. For some reason I answered the prompting to go to a new OB/GYN. He diagnosed me with Endometriosis and had stunning news. If I ever wanted to have a chance of having children I would have to stop skating right then. I remember feeling that my world had just crashed around me. How could this be? I had done all that I was suppose to why hadn’t the other doctors? He told me that we could try a D & C but that it likely wouldn’t resolve the bleeding for more than just a few weeks.
I knew that I was at a crossroad and that the absolute correct decision was to turn in my skates which I did. I went through two years of continuous suppression. I started college and tried with all my strength to get through the fog of ‘morning sickness’ that was my companion in all waking moments. I decided that I would become a doctor so that this wouldn’t happen to other women if even my impact would be a mere splash in an ocean of women. My body had crossed the boundary and cost me my dream.
In time I realized that having made the show and indeed keeping my composure with a cat chasing me on the ice had been a stellar accomplishment on which to hold my head high and reshape my life. I eventually got married and had a daughter who was born at 24 weeks. In reality this was one of the scariest boundaries of my life. I was with her constantly only passing out from shear exhaustion in the mother’s lounge when I couldn’t sit up another minute. She is the light of my life and is now 32 and has a daughter of her own.
Was it worth it? You bet it was. I would need the fortitude given birth through this experience through so much more that my life was to hold. For now this is the boundary of today’s story.
