Before or After ????????

 I was only in my early 30’s.  Success in pretty much everything I tried had left me with the sure knowledge that Heavenly Father was in the details and had my back.  I had always had the idea that I would die young.  It permeated my thoughts that perhaps this was the ‘why’ of my successes.  That my life would be crammed into a few decades rather than many decades.

That day I had done an open house.  I had driven that road my whole adult life.  I always drove in a defensive and observant posture.  My eyes locked with the young girl as I slammed on the brakes and she failed to stop at a stop sign finding out later that she was going 60mph.  I saw the pure panic in her eyes.  I knew in that moment that my life would change.  

When I regained consciousness the door handle of the passenger front door was over the handbrake and the Ford emblem was sitting on the dashboard.  My right foot was still firmly placed and smashing down with all of my strength on the brake.  I felt numb.  I suppose I was in shock.

I’ve never forgotten the sounds of crashing metal, the glass breaking and the dread of something happening that I couldn’t do anything about.  I remember thinking “I’m so glad I’m alone in the car.  My sweet-pea daughter wouldn’t be able to survive this”.

The pain began to set in and was intense.  My neck wouldn’t hardly move.  My head felt like it needed to explode.  My breath was strained and the seatbelt was so very tightly holding me in.  The injuries literally went from the bottom of my foot to the top of my skull.

As the initial recovery period progressed it became obvious that my cognition wasn’t right.  They thought it was the pain, or perhaps the shock of it all.  I had to get far enough with recovery that this could be evaluated.  I had suffered a double brain injury.  One was to the tip of my left inner ear making me so very dizzy.  The other was at the sub-occipital  area on the right side.  i’ll never forget the moment the adhesion had been broken - pain shot through my head like I have never felt before or since.

My first clue that something was bad wrong with my brain is that I couldn’t remember stuff.  I had felt like it was a colossal waste of time to watch reruns but now I couldn’t remember ever seeing shows that apparently I was watching over and over and over.  I also was an avid reader.  Suddenly I could not comprehend or for that matter even recognize the order of letters making a word.

My Mother always told me to get an education and that it would be something nobody could take away - well they had.  I had to relearn to read.  I had to be taught how to outline something I was attempting to read and understand so that maybe I could get the ‘facts’ of it.  I struggled so much BECAUSE I REMEMBERED THE BEFORE.

One day my cognitive rehabilitation doctor finally broke through my disappointment and I realized that I had to leave the past behind, accept what I had left and do my best to craft a future with it.  After three years of cognitive rehabilitation my IQ leveled out at 98 whereas it had been 137 before the wreck.  It was discovered that I could write - for whatever reason.

New learning was impossible so I  focused on writing assignments.  I was able to obtain an Associates in Children’s Writing and then an Associate in Freelance Writing utilizing the ADA.  Then I decided to pursue screenwriting and realized that it was non-fiction that really drew me in.  i tried to write a movie script but I just couldn’t follow the accepted standards of crafting it.  So I wrote a play for my daughter “The Royal Children”.  It was first performed with the Roanoke Island Historical Association professional theater workshop.  

Then we did it in my daughter’s scout troop.   Then an organization (the name of which eludes me) picked it up and it was performed up North.  

I was given the opportunity to help my daughter’s class to craft a book of stories - “Stories of Adventure”.  The children all got a ‘self-published’ copy and they all signed every one of them and yes I do still have my copy.

Because I knew what it was like to have a disability (and I was left with many) I typed up the Lost Colony script in extra large font so that those hard of hearing or had issues with sight could follow along as they attended the show.

The really weird thing is that the wreck was a transformative event in my life.  Because of it I could own the gift of living in the moment and honoring the ‘be here now’ mentality.  I was able to be with my daughter so much more than I could have ever been if I had still been working.  My life was freed from the bondage of expectations.  I learned that my expectations of myself is the most important of all and if along the way I met the expectations of others - GREAT.

It does not take a brain injury to live in the truths that I was gifted in a very challenging way.  It took 10 years of physical therapy, cognitive rehabilitation and surgeries to get to where I am now.  The TBI’s triggered Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus.  I have 5 herniated discs.  Arthritis permeates my body.  my life is dictated by my inabilities and the absolute conviction of knowing that my mission in life is possible with what gifts I have that are magnified now that my journey is no longer about winning another productivity award or earning big bucks but rather making a mark on the world which my Mom also has always told me to do.

Less Than or More Than Enough?

 This has been on my mind a lot lately.  Who decides whether we, our efforts, our goals, our actions, our dreams, our emotions, our psyche and so much more is less than enough or more than enough?

Anyone that has been on the wrong side has heard aplenty “You’re not doing enough”.  “You’re not working enough.”.  “You aren’t dreaming big enough.”.  “You’re are out of line for allowing that to upset you.”. “You’ll never be able to do that”.

I know that you think you have done enough, however you haven’t.  You can do more.  So much more.  I believe in you even if you don’t or can’t believe in yourself.

I know that it seems to you that you are working a lot.  I know that you feel tired and just want to rest.  Being tired is not an excuse for not performing.  You must perform whether you feel well or not.  You must do whether you hurt or not.  You must accomplish regardless of anything else in your life.  I believe in you even if you don’t or can’t believe in yourself.

I know that you think you can ‘be’ whatever it is you desire to ‘be’.  The truth is that you can be, however sometimes being is a function of ability.  Being is also a function of the impression others have of you.  I believe in you even if you don’t or can’t believe in yourself.

I know that when someone judges you it doesn’t feel good.  It feels like they are being unfair and not taking everything into account.  I know that when you have tried to tell me all that you deal with that I’ve cut you off.  I believe in you even if you don’t or can’t believe in yourself.

LOVE means so much more than just a warm fuzzy feeling.  LOVE holds people up when they are having trouble doing it alone.  LOVE takes the higher path and doesn’t romp around the cold, cold valley.  LOVE is about you not about me.  LOVE never ever fails.

Do you LOVE?

 

 Christmas should be all year.  I have traditions that date back, at this point, decades that fertilize the expectation of happy times at Christmas.  Midnight Christmas Eve events.  Downtown Manteo celebration.  House decorations including boats in the downtown harbor.

Yes, of course in the warm & fuzzy feelings but also in the way we live and prepare all year.

A lot of people believe that Christmas is too commercialized.  Probably.  The reason, the why is what is important.  It’s mainly in remembrance of our savior being born in a humble stable and recognizing the start of the new era in human existence.  

When my brother and I were growing up, Christmas was a really big deal.  No matter the circumstances Christmas would be all out as our means allowed.  My Mother played Santa and I would wake up to a living room full of gifts brought by Santa.  I suspect that my Grandmother had a lot to do with the means by which this was accomplished.

One year we were camping at the old Sandpiper’s Trace on the north end of Roanoke Island. (It’s now a big dollar housing area.)  I remember hearing the one and only radio station with someone doing a ‘tracking’ of Santa.  I was so excited, but eventually I fell asleep and when I awoke the next morning Santa had come to our Pop-Up camper.  It was beyond magical.

As my marriage started when I was 23 I began the habit that still pursues to this day.  Living in a suburb of Charlotte finding deals was easy at various stores.  i would buy Christmas Ornaments for .25 cents in January, decorate them in November to give to family and friends for Christmas.

As life progressed so did my bargain meter.  Because I purchased things all year with specific people in mind I could afford to participate at a level that held fond memories from my otherwise challenging childhood.  

When I give gifts the costs are minimal.  Last year I gave the women in my life shawls that had cost $10 each, but I paid .75 cents last summer for each of them.  The original cost was $10.00.  Buying stuff all year allows me to provide some shadow of what I knew as a child. 

Every January I buy Christmas supplies at 90% off - wrapping paper, bows, ribbon and goodies.  The goodies must be in date for at least 18 months or I won’t buy them - unless it’s very special and I’m really getting it for a birthday that will happen sooner than Christmas.  I pay .25 cents for 12 pack candy canes which I use to decorate my gifts.  It’s nothing for me to find a full size roll of wrapping paper for .50 cents or a bag of bows for .25 cents.

So this is a lifelong habit.  When I see ‘Sushi’ jelly candy I think of my daughter’s birthday so I pay the .75 cents and put it in the box for her birthday.  When I find gourmet jelly in unusual flavors for less than $2 I get them for my Mom - I get her jellies every year.  When white, cotton washcloths are on clearance at Walmart I buy them because Mom uses them and needs new ones throughout the year. 

As I’m finding these deals it’s not really about the monetary value it’s that I’m thinking about a specific person.  I don’t go looking I just know where to look at the retail stores I go to routinely.  Higher priced items, like a new ‘laptop’ for 2 year olds for my granddaughter’s main Christmas, I watch Amazon and get it for 75% off.

I also try to make something every year for those very special people in my life.  It might be an ornament, a dream catcher, a seashell angel, a special photo that is especially nice, etc…..  So all year I find the supplies for this.  Mini grapevine wreaths $1 a dozen when will become dreamcatcher ornaments.

Anyone receiving gifts from me can be sure of a few things:

• You were thought of at some point in the year
• I’m not ‘overspending’ and in fact give you nice things that I have been prepared to buy at huge discounts
• My financial sacrifice for this is minimal because of the way I do things
• Goodies like special hot chocolate and large candy canes have been purchased at 90% off and in date well into the following year that you receive them.
• Perhaps even more important than it all is that I’m recognizing all year that the birth of  Jesus provided our path to returning to our Heavenly Father through salvation from his sacrifice, and I want you to have some part of that feeling too.

See the good

Be the good

Embrace the good

Deny the bad

Turn away from harm

Separate from the challenges that you can

………… and know you are loved and thought of by me all year long.

A Whole Lot of Right Saved Lives

 It’s happened again.  More precious children slaughtered.  It could have been so much worse, and it likely could have been prevented with strong legislation typically termed “Red Flag Law”.  But instead of focusing on that, let’s analyze all that was done right - actually TEXTBOOK right.

Covenant School in Nashville has:

* 42 faculty and administrative employees

* approx 200 students

* _____ unknown number of custodial and kitchen employees.  (I would estimate 12)

10:11am     Shooter enters the school by shooting out the glass

2”                School goes into emergency evacuation procedures saving HUNDREDS of lives, the danger alert system is set off with flashing lights and sirens all over the building and 911 call made.

10:13am    Call received by 911.

12”            approx 260 people evacuated out of the building.   (197 students and about 60 adult faculty, staff and administrators  rushed to safety using set protocols.  Adults were stationed near every other entrances so as to facilitate getting police in the building and aware of what was ‘known’.)

*  What was known in these 12” is that two students were unaccounted for (it ended up being 3), and that the vast majority of people had been removed to safety.

10:25am    Police descend on the campus.  A unit gained entry immediately going through TEXTBOOK procedures to find the shooter.

10:26am    Two Officers find the shooter who was firing on police in the parking lot, turned around and fired on them.  She was shot 4 times and went down, but was still holding a firearm. 

10:27am    Orders were given to push her firearms away - she didn’t - she was shot 4 more times - she died.

Whether we like it or not we are in a ‘time passing’ reality.  To have police surround the school and an entire unit gain entry in less than 12” is admirable.  The very fact that the shooter was dead in less than 2” from that point is astounding and absolutely worth gratitude.  Of course it would have been better to have had an armed guard with the authority and ability to “shoot to kill” such an assailant.  Maybe going forward schools will understand that and hire such folks, and maybe going forward municipal policing will assign an armed officer to be on campus at every school private or public that can take decisive and fatal action - which presumably would have happened when the 28 year old woman shot out the locked doors.

There is absolutely no good reason for a mental ill person to be able to purchase 7 weapons and absolutely no good reason for ANYONE at ANYTIME in ANY WAY to purchase assault style weapons. I haven’t done an in-depth ‘hours long’ research but here is what 30” uncovered:

She had three high capacity / high velocity firearms with her including 

1.    Kel Tec Sub 2000 with an extended magazine giving her 50 rounds

2.    Grunt III (AR15 style) with an extended magazine giving her about 30 rounds

3.    M & P 9mm with an 8 round clip and possible a 9th round already preloaded

Folks that is 88 rounds of high velocity fire power in the hands of a 28 year old mentally ill person with a vendetta we really don’t understand yet.  I suspect that all rounds were full metal jacket and possibly hollow point so as to inflict the greatest harm possible with each hit.

She was wearing an assault vest presumably with additional loaded magazines.

It is miraculous that a whole lot more people did not lose their lives, but that is due primarily to EXCELLENT emergency protocols and them being carried out quickly.

My hope is that the Federal government will act and put a stop to the ease of which firearms are purchased stopping the sale with no paperwork or background check at gun shows and a sweeping way to do better with gun sale protocols.  It’s not you or me - I had purchase permits for my gun.  I went through the 30 day wait while the Sheriff did a background check.

This has to stop.  EVERY school needs an armed guard ready and willing to shoot and kill an assailant period !  Obviously immediate deadly action when someone shoots their way through locked glass doors.  EVERY state must enact RED FLAG LAWS immediately.

I don’t have the answers, but I do know what was done right.  I happen to be a certified FEMA Active Shooter Educator.  I completed my training at the request of COA on June 17, 2015.  I know because while I was in training when those precious church folk in Charleston, SC were slaughtered.  I learned this after the training and getting home that night.

EVERY educator, EVERY school employee college, grade school, private and public should be required to do this training and then demand the safety protocols from their institutions.  I did, and I was the focus of many jokes because I did it.  But ALL of my students knew the safety plan in every class whether a one day class or a 12 week class.  And I was prepared.  I had my own window screen papers to tape up, I insisted that my door be locked BEFORE class so that nobody could enter and I would have to let them in one student at a time checking their ID and making sure they were on the roster.

The three firearms recovered at the school cumulatively cost around $2,500.  Reports say that she owned an additional 4.

I got my information from the Nashville Metropolitan Police website, www.thecovenant school.com (before it was taken down), various firearm blogs and retailers proudly selling these assault weapons, Reuters, PBS and manufacturing companies that made these high capacity killing tools. 

Until our hearts change and our laws become more protective of the innocent we will see escalation not cessation.  It’s sad really.  

My Dad

 It’s that time of year again.  i just happened to be watching a highlight piece of Murdough’s trial today in which forensic experts including crime scene cleanup testified.  It just brought back so many memories from 2001.  It was (and I fervently hope that it remains)  one of my worst experiences.  Nothing can prepare you for walking into a house and finding the five day old corpse of your Father.  It was beyond bad.  The house had to be cleaned by Crime Scene Cleanup of Charlotte.  I’m very thankful that my Mom and family were there to help me on the journey of all that would follow.

The smell is terrible.  I can still bring it to my olfactory when the memories invade my life.  I broke my hand trying to knock down the door.  While in the ambulance I wailed and cried so hard.  I wouldn’t let them take me to the hospital, I just couldn’t bare to not be there when he left my childhood home one last time.  It would be two weeks before a doctor treated me for it.  It required surgery too, but I wouldn’t allow that for several years.

He had been gone for five days.  Yes - I checked on him frequently but not daily.  

As I ponder the year - 2023 - I realize that I will become the age that he was when he passed.   I’ve always done my best and that’s all anyone can ask.

I had to ‘fake’ a casket for my Grandfather.  I didn’t want him to know the true condition of the body - which defies description by me.   I’m not really clear on how we did the ‘graveside’ but maybe my Aunt took him back to the retirement home before that.  I do, however, have very clear memories of the funeral and the closed casket placed at the front of the chapel.

There are 7 of us kids.  The oldest died shortly after birth - RAB.  I often imagine how life might have unfolded differently had he lived.  I feel his presence often as do my Dad’s.

My Dad, grandparents and great-grandparents are buried at Independence Hill Baptist Church not too far from my Bradley family and close to my high school.  It was where the first declaration of independence was drafted.  Somehow it’s fitting for my family.  I got permission to place my Dad’s ashes in the casket with my Grandfather and a footstone on my Grandmother’s grave to mark his life.

My Dad loved to cook.  He loved his Grandchildren. He loved creating.  He loved traveling.  He loved being a truck driver and loved even more being a tour bus driver.  He loved music.

He played the trumpet and so do I.  He tried to teach my daughter to play and she did at least get some sound out of my trumpet.  When he was in his 20’s he formed the ‘Mack Bradley Review’ which included Maurice Williams.  He found me when all of this happened and expressed his deepest condolences.  My Mom had met my Dad at the booking agency she worked at.

He took me on my first trip to Mexico.  It was epic.  But we all got very sick.  When he found out that I loved science he got me a chemistry kit.  He was so proud of my skating career.  When I asked him to pick up Chrissy at school for weeks and take her to my Mom’s house 45” away - he never - not once asked me why.  He trusted that I wouldn’t have asked if it weren’t really, really important and if you know me very well you know why.

He taught me the trick of soaking new boots in water then wearing them all day from sunrise to bedtime to break them in.

He always dressed properly - by that I mean no jeans and no shorts and no cover-alls.  For the record neither did my grandfathers, or uncles.

He was an ambulance driver when my oldest surviving brother was to be born.  Mom says that he came and got her, but put her suitcase in the back and her in the front with him.  LOL.  I can definitely imagine this.

He always gave directions - like how to get from one place to another.  Several years after his death he imprinted on my mind saying “This is the last time I can give you directions”.

He also was creative.  He had a business where he used sand etching to personalize glassware.  He made a plaque for me when (actually I don’t remember when) but he had misspelled our last name and was embarrassed - to me it was endearing.  I love it.

When I arrived at the Charlotte Coliseum for my undergraduate graduation I was terrified.  We did not know whether we would be graduating or not because we had to check our final grades.  I remember walking in and hearing him VERY LOUDLY yelling T I N A.  There he was beaming from ear to ear.

My surviving oldest brother bears his name.  When he finally came back East and I took him to the grave he got quite and misty eye.  I hugged him and asked if he needed time alone.  He said ‘no - it’s just wierd seeing my name on a grave marker’.   

My youngest sister helped me with everything that had to be done.  I couldn’t have done it without her.  When I called her she was on her way to the airport to catch a flight for her work.  I asked her to pull over - after some convincing she did.  She didn’t go on her trip, instead she came to Charlotte to help me.

One of my fondest memories is when he sent my older brother and I ‘cowboy’ sets from Texas where he was in his third marriage.  Mine was pink.  

He had a scar on his forehead - the story goes that he was running through the woods and he got a limb imbedded into his face.  My grandmother told me that he came home with it still in there.  Can you imagine that conversation?

The song that I had played for my Dad was “I Did It My Way” because that typified him.  Perhaps I got my courage to live the way I please from my family.  Thank you Dad.  You are remembered.  The hole in my heart is still there and I know I’ll see you, maw-maw, paw-paw, Grumpas, Cleo and Rab again.  Thanks for being you.

It Already Is His

Tonight I’m reading in Luke 4 which is where Jesus was tempted of the devil.  In verse 9 Satan invited Jesus to worship him with the reward being the gift of all that could be seen.  Verse 10 Jesus strikes the home-run of the eons by putting Satan in his place.  

What exists that wasn’t created by him?  

There is a providential story that goes something like this - a person finds a watch out in a field miles and miles from any civilization.  Taking it in her hands she wonders at this thing.  She weighs it and notices the numbers, the little hand moving ever so slightly and looks around to see if the owner is perhaps hiding somewhere.  Once convinced that the owner isn’t there and probably didn’t even know that he had lost the watch she purposes to take it with her.  A couple of minutes more into her journey she comes to an abrupt spot.  She pulls the watch out of her bag and unwrapped it from the folds of her extra shirt so as to keep it as safe as possible.  She knew that, even though it wasn’t hers, it had fallen to her to care for it.  She sat down hard and began to really examine every detail.  It was exquisite.  She pondered the how of it all.  She got up and continued her journey with a steadfast goal of finding the owner.  Not once did she realize that the owner had left it for her to find.  That the owner had made it just for her.  That the owner had wanted it to draw her closer to him.  One day, when she had lived her life to her very best ability, then it was his deepest wish that she would leave it for someone else to find perhaps even watching to make sure it was found.

Isn’t that just like humans?  We question everything.  Of course that innate privilege was given to us by our Heavenly Parents without which we would not have a guidepost.  We wouldn’t have a solid reminder imploring us to choose what is right much more often than choosing what is not right.  We would think that everything we created received it’s genesis from within ourselves thereby discounting the need of God.  

Once, many years ago, my daughter took me out west and it was a trip of a lifetime for me.  Easter sunrise sitting alone in the desert because she needed more sleep than I did that particular day left the image branded into my being that we are created by God, for God, through God and we are to create by, for and through him so that when we arrive back home we can give a complete accounting of what we did with our time and talents.  I’m imagining sitting at a banquet table with all of my other siblings excitedly telling one another of all they discovered while our heavenly parents look on with pride and a knowing that goes beyond the human mind’s ability to fully fathom.

There is another story that I often think of.  There was a war raging and when has there not been one doing so?  In this small village everyone worked in all daylight hours for the common good.  One day an elderly man labored beside his grandson who was asking deep and probing questions not the least of which was the “why” of their efforts.  The grandfather explained that folks must work in order to live, and must live in order to experience, and to experience in order to teach, and to teach so that they could go back home to be with our heavenly parents.  The boy was distracted and cut his leg very badly.  Blood gushed and the grandfather tied his sash around the boy’s wound and scooped him up to take him home.  Others quickly came and offered to help which the grandfather declined with gratitude.  They said “this is awful” the grandfather said “maybe yes, maybe no”.  When he took the boy to his Mother’s house she flew out and quickly surmising the situation asked her Father “did you let him cut the grain even after you had promised me you wouldn’t?”. The old man said “Maybe yes, maybe no”.  The Mother angrily pulled both him into the house and over to the only bed in the meager home.  The mother was so upset all that she could do is fuss at her Father and then she commanded him to leave her sight asking “haven’t you done enough harm for one day?” to which he replied “maybe yes, maybe no”.  With that the woman threw a clod at him and he left.  Not too long after soldiers came into the field destroying all they could along the way and when they saw the old man looking up at them they hit him and told him that he better work or he would get hurt.  They asked if he understood to which he replied “maybe yes, maybe no”.  Then the soldiers kicked him so hard that he fell into the mud as the soldiers laughed.  When he dared look up again they asked him “We have all the young men waiting over there, but they say that your Grandson is missing.  Do you know where he is?”. The man said “maybe yes, maybe no”.  The soldier kicked the old man over and over again until the commander came within sight who yelled for him to stop asking “if you kill them who will do the work? You?”. Then the commander reached out his hand and helped the man up out of the mud and asked if he would be alright to which the man replied “maybe yes, maybe no”.  The commander apologized again and told the soldiers to prepare to leave with the boys that they did have and as they stormed off into the next battle the grandfather knew then why the grandson had been injured.  Because of the injury he was not in the field and so was spared going off to war.

Asking “why?” seems to be a favorite thing amongst us humans as though knowing why we are about to be injured really matters and surpasses the abject need to be loved.  This, if there is one, the secret to life - love today because you were loved yesterday so that those you love today can love others tommorow.

Life On The Banks Is Hard and Customer Service is Dying

 

Today - I’m exhausted.  Not just from the doings yesterday but from the constant pressure on me as I’m being made into a diamond of life - challenges when overcome or survived makes us stronger.  Yesterday though took all the physical stamina I had.  Let me explain.

We no longer have a primary care physician in our county - or stated more accurately none that can take on ‘new’ patients.  This crisis was perpetuated by some 3,000 of us receiving a letter on a Saturday last summer telling us that we would no longer be a patient of the medical center where, at least in my case, I have gone for now 20 years.  We were invited to enter a ‘lottery’ so that we could be on a list to have care once and if a physician was hired.  I’m on the list, and I’ve been waiting for 8 months with no call.  

Meanwhile, the doctor that last saw me there, opened her own practice inland unaffiliated with the medical management tycoons here.  i got in with her three months ago and I saw her again yesterday. She is an EXCELLENT doctor and one that could follow me through.

 Imagine this though - I drove almost 50 miles one way for this appointment, 47 miles to be exact, which is fine.  My doctor is working on opening a building in Manteo - personally I think that would be great.  As is always the case here, politics have and are playing a major role.  I will drive the 47 miles to see her as long as I can do so.

So I had fasting blood work yesterday.  That meant driving for just over an hour without food - fine - I don’t eat for an hour or so anyway when I get up.  I packed a lunch and crackers to eat immediately after the blood was drawn.  I know how to deal with this aspect - no big deal.

Realize though the time involved yesterday in everything that I had to do.  

8:30 am                 left home

9:45 am                arrived at medical center

12:00 noon           left medical center

12 - 1:00              Went into the Dollar General to get a few things on my shopping list.

1:00 - 2:00           Paused to eat my picnic on the waterfront at an outdoor recreation complex.

2:00- 4:00          drove back to Roanoke Island and completed some errands on the island

4:00 - 4:45        drove to our Walmart which is at the very tip of another island just before the county line

4:45 - 8:00        Did major shopping since I only go to Walmart every 4-6 weeks

8:00                    Went to check out - no cashiers available 

BUT THERE WERE ABOUT 6 employees watching us struggle to self check out on our own.  For me this involved two huge bags of cat food since it is the most affordable way to buy it as well as large pails of cat litter for our indoor cats.  So I had several VERY HEAVY items that I was forced to hold in the air and pass by the electronic reader.  Behind me, on a different self checkout a woman my age struggled with 6 rolls of carpet with no help either.  She was audited too.  Random ??????????  Nevertheless it turns out she was parked right beside of me and we both were close to tears as we loaded our cars alone with no help.  Her situation was that the carpet rolls had a clearance tag of $20, but one scanned for $96 and her debate was that if the price tag said $20 why would it ring up for $96. ??????????????

                        I had finished with every item, and every item was on the screen - THEN ONE OF THE 6 EMPLOYEES decided that he needed to press a button on my self checkout monitor.  ??????????

                        I proceeded to pay and the amount was within $14 of what I had calculated.  See if an item costs $8.50 I add $10 to my budget allowance.

                        Then it was time to try to haul two buggies out, or repack everything into one cart which is what I decided to do.  Then Russell, a wonderful employee of Walmart, clocked in noticed the situation and came to help me lift.  He decided that we would use two carts and he would roll one to my car. GREAT.

                        EXCEPT my cart was chosen to be line-item audited.  So I was there 30” more while they reviewed everything in my cart.  It seemed that the man who had pushed a button on my self checkout screen had removed one item - I didn’t do it, but of course they think I did.  I asked for a manager who came and took over the situation.  I showed her my budget accounting as I was shopping and how it matched up to the total I had paid.  Turns out that the ‘button’ this UNINVITED EMPLOYEE had punched discounted an item by 50% so that during the audit it looked like it wasn’t scanned.  By the time it had all been sorted out Russell had been reassigned to the back of the store and NOBODY even tried to help me.  Some 6 employees just kept standing at the front fervently watching for folks stealing stuff or trying to not to scan everything - ANYTHING BUT HELPING.

                        By this time is was 8:30 and I had another 45” - 1 hour drive to get home.  Finally at around 9:30 I got home and offloaded things out of my car and what had to be brought up I did so including the grocery items that was on Mom’s list for me to get at Walmart.  It was 10:15 before I could strip and shower - a infectious disease protocol that I’ve had to do for decades to try and not give viruses and such a place to live and get me sick.

            First of all - I’m done.  I’m so done with the inconveniences of living on an island.  It’s beautiful and I find fulfillment in many ways, but the struggle to live here is real and so much more difficult than living inland.  I’m 550 miles from my daughter and Granddaughters.  I can’t go visit because of the distance and the absolute need to NOT leave Mom home alone overnight much less for days.  It may be years before I can actually leave, and maybe in that time the local government will get things resolved making it possible for the ‘aging’ population to be served - right now it’s not.

Survival mode yet again in my life.

            Second of all - the local Walmart has lost my major business.  Going forward I will order most things online so that they can be delivered to my door.  My purchases there will be limited to Insulin and diabetic supplies and occasional clothing items. 

            Thirdly - we have a Target that will be opening sometime in the next year.  They will have a shot at my business and they are closer to my house.  

When I made a formal complaint I was told today that they didn’t have enough employees.  Why then did 6-8 employees watch as we did self checkout doing the best we could and seemingly just watched and talked amongst themselves instead of helping.   ??????????????  The head manager had no answers.  it just so happened that the front manager who helped last night was the one that took my complaint today.   She believes that the group of employees were on break and just visiting with each other at the front of the store.  The optics of such a thing is unacceptable me, and others, struggling to lift heavy objects to self scan and NOBODY stepping up.  i’m told that in the future all i have to do is go to Customer Service and they will get someone - my checkout line was right in front of Customer Service.  

I’ve been the manager of many huge departments, i’m talking hundreds of employees, and my employees best not have just stood there while customers were obviously having a hard time.  If this group was on break, then they should have been in the break room, not standing at the front seemingly enjoying the spectacle of ‘self-checkout’ antics.  if you’re visible you are on the job.  If you are leaving for the day - it’s obvious because you have your personal items and coat and such.

I bragged on Russell and she agreed that he is an awesome employee.  He is the one who noticed and helped and then said ‘DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE BLEEDING’ ??/??  I had cut my hand on the self checkout and didn’t feel it but was dripping blood.  He took me to the Customer Service counter about 20’ from where I was, got me napkins, helped with the bleeding then when a clerk came back he asked her for a bandaid.  i was given two.  i have diminished feeling on my entire left side.  OK i cut my hand - apparently somewhere on the machine that was the self checkout.

Overall this shopping trip to Walmart was challenging to say the least.  Going forward things will change and it was the ending of a very long day that was froth with stress that was totally unnecessary amplified by employees who obviously didn’t care about the optics.

If I Can Do Itt - You Can Too

  One day I was driving home from a very busy day at work.  A teenager ran a stop sign coming out onto the four lane.  Our eyes met in that nanosecond before the crash.  The look of horror burned into my consciousness.  She hit me broadside then spun around and hit me head on and, because I had slammed on the brakes and was holding, she bounced back and kept spinning until she was in the ditch - backwards.

My first memory was of a man running to me and yelling for somebody to call an ambulance.  My second memory was seeing the Ford emblem from the front of the car laying on my dashboard.  The next memory was realizing that the inside passenger handle was over the handbrake and then - only then did the pain permeate every fiber of my being.  I have never dealt pain anywhere even near 1% of what I felt in that moment.  Every single cell seemed to scream pain.

Yes I had fractures and multiple organ injuries, but the most transformative was the double brain injury - meaning two YES TWO areas of my brain was injured.  I was in cognitive rehab for almost three years.  Early on they tried to determine the extent of the ramifications and they were severe.  My memory was nearly non-existent but the very worst of it was that I could no longer read.  I had to relearn to read.  

Before that was determined one of the tests clearly showed that I could still write.  It’s an enigma as to how I could structure written communication but I couldn’t read.  My cognitive rehab team signed me up for a college class and it had to be something  that I had no previous education in - Economics.  It was a disaster.  I left feeling like a failure although the professor tried so hard.  I refused to try another class and then we found ICS.

I was enrolled in the Journalism and finished it in record time.  What should have been two years took me less than 8 months.  Then I was enrolled in the Children’s Institute of Literature and learned how to write for children.  This two year program took only 6 months.

Along the way it was heavily reinforced that I must be a lifelong learner in order to continue to gain cognitive function.  I was given all sorts of assignments such as finding an object in a huge mall - which I failed miserably because I absolutely could not remember what I was suppose to find.  i resolved that day to never give up - N E V E R.

So I enrolled in some screenwriting classes and it was in the one taught by Greg Pincus of “Little Big League” that I knew that I had to continue with my education.  I tried screenwriting but just couldn’t have the cognitive control to craft it.  i had a meeting with Jerry Bledsoe who was a prolific writer including ‘Blood Games”.  His encouragement was something I value to this very day.  In fact in many ways my subsequent success could be traced to his kind words.

Then my rehab team suggested continuing my upper level education and thus I was enrolled in a PhD program.  This took me about a year and through the process I learned so much about so many topics.  There are so many outstanding memories but one that I go back to often is my visit to a mosque. There was a young man who came in right behind me and noticed that I looked confused and in truth I didn’t know what to do really.  He took me under his wing and became a source of learning for many months for me.

He was about 14 I would say and I was impressed that his family allowed him to take Charlotte transit and his answer became a sort of  life affirming lesson which is 

 THEY BELIEVE IN ME AND BECAUSE OF THEIR       

                                        CONFIDENCE.                                        

                         I GROW AND BECOME SUCCESSFUL.                              

Can any parent ask for more?

To be believed in is the catalyst that keeps us going no matter the challenge.  Knowing that someone else things you can do a thing becomes a prophecy of success.

Growth is rooted in hard work and an unwavering KNOWING that you can.

The only true reason for success to help others along their path.

Newsweek, yes the NEWSWEEK, found out about my work with Junior Achievement and asked to profile me.  This was an incredible affirmation of all that I had gone through.  See the secret sauce is this:

                                    IF I CAN SO CAN YOU.

Lots of challenges have been met since that cold February day in 1992.  I never lost hope.  I always believed what my Mom told me was true - You can do ANYTHING that you put your mind to.

Before the wreck I was the 5th top producing mortgage loan producer for the 3rd largest bank in America.  But what I’ve done since I would never been able to do if it hadn’t been for that kid ignoring a stop sign:

*  Paralympic Torch Bearer

*  National Brain Injury Association Ambassador

*  ICAN (Information and Care for Arthritis in the Nineties) radio show.

*  Board Member for the National MS Society - Carolinas

*  Pace The Challenge - the travel company I started for people with disabilities.

*  Formulating and Implementing a Brain Injury ‘memory’ notebook where I had once been a patient.

*  Creating the Accessible Parking Enforcement Unit of the Charlotte Police Department which became extremely important on 9/11.

*  Being recognized by President Bush with a 9/11 medal.

*  RARELY missing any event that my daughter was involved in.

*  Getting out of the wheelchair, into a scooter, then a wheeled rocker, followed by a cane and now usually NO MOBILITY DEVICE

*  Community Policing / Community Development Committee

*  Being brave enough to Scuba Dive one last time

*  FBI profiling associate.

*  G-Man award

*  Teaching on the college level

*  Teaching on the High School level

*  Supporting my daughter as she lived her dream of being in The Lost Colony.

*  Writing and having a play staged - “The Royal Children”

*  National Park Service Volunteer

*  National Park Service Employee

*  Metrolina Association for the Blind Board Member

*  Pioneering an audio program for recording the reading of books for blind folks

*  Transcribing The Lost Colony script into a huge font so that those with visual challenges could enjoy attending the show.

*  Being a part of a christian band and being on their CD

*  Owning multiple businesses

*  Keeper of the Dream Award - The Lost Colony

*  Becoming published hundreds of times across many genres.  

*  Creating Cherokee worksheets for the Eastern Band

*  Writing the entire K-12 Cherokee Language curriculum for the Eastern band.

*  Teaching traditional native american glass bead weaving.

*  Giving talks on Native American issues to the public and at schools

*  Becoming a jewelry artist.

*  Becoming a motivational speaker

*  Becoming a painter

*  Learning how to play the Mandolin, 6 octave harmonica, Dulcimer and Ukulele.

*  Learning other Native American crafts including moccasin making and dream catcher weaving - and teaching them too.

*  Drawing the floor plan for our home, overseeing it being built, moving the parents into it and finishing the sale of all inland real estate.

*  Being a Cheerleading Coach

*  Helping to plan my daughter’s wedding and seeing it through

*  Visiting innumerable colleges so that my daughter could choose the one best suited to her.

*  Tony Award

……… and I’m probably forgetting some things, but none of this is the point.  

The lesson is this:

            …….   IF   I   CAN   DO   IT   YOU   CAN   TOO   ……..

It all starts with an idea, morphed into a seed, planted in nourishing soil, being well tended and encouraged, breaking through the challenges and emerging stronger than you would have ever been without the initiating event.