After being a multiple trauma survivor with injuries and fractures from my head to my toes I live in constant pain. I’m use to it, but it can overshadow things that life demands. I also suffered two injuries to my brain. I worked hard in cognitive rehabilitation to recover what I could. When life is chaotic I don’t have enough space in my brain to process everything.
So I analyzed the past year and it’s cumulative effect on my life.
First of all, my teaching year was the most challenging I’ve ever had. it demanded more than I could actually give. Classes were over by mid-June. I went into my office on June 17 only to find that the staff had filled it with boxes, furniture, etc..... Apparently there was a room that was having maintenance and somehow my office was the prime storage area rather than any of the other clear spaces such as two conference rooms that were rarely used just across from my office. I had wanted to start my normal updating of curriculum because excellence is my hallmark. I left. It was an added problem on top of dozens of other issues I had through the academic year. I would have met with the Dean and apprised him of the impact on me and the curriculum development. Fate had other plans.
The very next day I got a call that I could have never have imagined. My youngest niece had tried heroin for the first time. It killed her and the five other kids using the same batch. Those five were brought back and reports are that they walked out of the ER a couple of hours later. They couldn’t revive her. After two days she was determined to be brain dead. Her parents chose to donate her organs. This began a week of lining up recipients while her body was kept alive. She saved five lives.
Having gone through a domestic violence divorce it had been my habit to check up on my Ex every few months. When I emerged from the fog of my nieces death I did my check up on him. He had died ten days before my niece. I cried all night. I grieved the man I had married and the 16 year marriage that we had which was not the same as what I divorced. It had been a release of pent up dread and the toll having to be constantly aware. He had misbehaved terribly during the divorce including cutting the brake lines on my car. I told my Mom when she woke up and together we called my daughter. The phone went silent then my daughter said “I’m ok. Really, really ok”
After some research it was discovered that he had been in a downward spiral of dementia for seven years. He was only 63 when he died. Nobody claimed the body. He was cremated and after ten days of waiting a ‘friend’ picked up the ashes and scattered them. His obituary was one line and not one person had written on his tribute wall. I began the process of helping my daughter settle his estate which is on-going as I write this.
A few weeks later I got an email from the college saying that I had to move out of my office because I would be sharing it with several other people. It was the last straw. I resigned. Teaching had been the focus of my life for so long that I lost my identity.
While this was happening I was also having problems with the retail space that I had rented. The owner where I sublet was closed more than they were open. I was invited into a different business space and so I moved my ‘booth’. While most people would see this as a minor inconvenience my pain level made it yet another challenge to be endured.
Then came Hurricane Dorian. Our house was built to withstand these storms however we lost 27 trees. Not one hit the house but it left my Mom and I marooned in the house because we couldn’t get our cars out of the garage. Eventually I got some help from a dear friend and the heavy trees were dragged to the road for county pickup using his tractor.
My daughter turned 30 in November. I was disappointed that I couldn’t be with her so I planned a surprise party for her which turned out great. I was able to dial in using messenger as her friends executed my plan. I did goody bags (adult style with some of my handmade goodies), sent party decorations and of course gifts. This planning also took up space in my mind, but it was so worth it. The other teachers told her that their own Mother’s would be judged in the future by my virtual surprise party.
Then in December I was sick. Really, really sick. I couldn’t get warm, the fatigue was crippling, The dry violent coughing cracked my ribs.
January saw my going through all of the steps to get my Mother ready for cataract removal on both eyes. Since we live on an island getting her to the surgeon in Norfolk was quite the challenge. She had a consultation. Then we went for her 4 hour pre-op imaging and testing. Then we went for the first surgery. It went well, but she was very nervous to the point that they had me with her until the actual incision was made. We had to stay in Norfolk for a couple of days and that meant navigating the traffic on busy city streets that I am in no way familiar with.
That was followed by three weeks of post-op care including a strict eye-drop regimen and being hyper-focused on her to keep her from doing things she wasn’t suppose to do like cleaning the house and not driving. We went back to Norfolk for the second surgery. The hotel where we stayed was having a couple of big events. They had a blood drive going on and it was the first night of the bluegrass festival. Of course I thought this was grand. I got Mom settled in our room and went down to hear music, talk about music interests with the attendees and general just have a good time.
There were a lot of people coughing and I didn’t think anything about it. The next day we headed back to our island home and stopped at a Cracker Barrel for a good meal before leaving Virginia. After we were seated a man at the table next to ours got up to leave. He began coughing deeply and uncontrollable. I got Mom home and we added on the second eye to our regimen.
Three days later I got very, very, very sick. Deep unproductive cough, a tiredness that is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced, difficulty getting enough air, a fever of 104, chills, no desire for food or anything to drink, no sense of taste and I couldn’t smell anything. I was miserable for three weeks. Through the fog I was vaguely aware that a national lock down had taken place and that COVID had been determined to be a pandemic. It would take two months for me to feel ‘normal’ again. But my brain remained foggy.
When I was feeling better I called one of my friends from the bluegrass festival. He had been sick too, and so had dozens of others at the festival. He was the only one I knew, but he knew many of the people in attendance. When I was so sick I contacted urgent care and suspected that I had COVID. There were only 240 tests available in NC. I was told that since I hadn’t been to China I didn’t qualify to have one of those tests. I did take a Z-Pack, used steroid inhalers and tried to drink hot liquids. There were days and nights where I forced every breath in and out.
My friend and the others attending the festival had surmised that it was likely COVID. This hotel was where many airline employees stayed. We saw them coming in with their uniforms.
Mother nature decided I needed an even taller stacked challenge. I was in the garage unpacking my Mom’s SUV when I got hit with a wave. We live a mile from the water. This was accompanied by an awful sound I have never heard before. I got the garage door down just before the power went out. I was soaked from head to toe. It was all over in less than one minute. It was a water spout. It had traveled across the island from the water. It tore more trees and left our roof damaged. My Mom was upset and I was just shocked that this could happen.
So now at the end of July I realize that my commitments had been left unanswered and my brain has no recollection of even having a doctor’s appointment. Positivity teachers say to transcend your circumstances. I think I do, but I can’t always make my brain cooperate. I think perhaps anyone would have a hard time dealing with this past year. I think anyone’s mind would be boggled. That thought seems to want to diminish the fact that I am a brain injury survivor. That comes with a whole lot of accommodations and modalities that work in ‘normal’ times. This past year was abnormal to the extreme.
Mom’s eyes are ok. My EX’s estate is still in probate. The college didn’t even contact me about remote teaching (my curriculum was already digitized and it would have been logical). The roof has a patch waiting our turn for the roofers. A tree also went through the wall into my daughter’s bathroom. It has a patch also and the tile just awaits replacement again once it is our turn.
Now we may have a tropical storm or hurricane come through next week. I know challenges make you stronger, but it would be nice for things to level out allowing me to have some peace and quite and perhaps even keep my commitments. There may even be enough pain tolerance, and space in my mind to have a little fun. Because I’m at high risk for COVID my doctor has asked me to stay home as much as possible. I go out every two weeks to get the mail. He is also sure that the March illness was COVID and maybe even the December illness. A person can get it multiple times and so I isolate which has it’s own set of problems.
We’ve all seen positivity quotes that say something like “Don’t judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes”. I hate being on the receiving end of that advice, but nonetheless it is so very true.
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